I am constantly in my head. I think about what I say. I think about what I do. I think about what I think. There is no economy in thoughts. There is excess. And much of it comes out of my mouth. Much of it stays in my head. “it” is what I’ll call my thoughts. You know, the ones you get up at 4 am to try and shake off. “It” lingers and wanders and trolls the recesses of what should be my sleep time. “It” makes me believe I am lacking, guilty, shameful. “It” hangs out with me like my best friend and my worst enemy.
The worst part, for me, that I can’t shake is the control “It” has over my conscious mind. I am truly astonished that I, as a human being, was born with the god (whomever she is, haven’t met her/him yet) given talent of having thoughts that are negative whilst conducting an otherwise positive life. I have read and learned and schooled. I know tools and strategies to get out of my head. I know my worth. I place value on my work and my energy. I have had successes. Yet there are unrealized dreams and desires and resentment for what I have yet to make happen. On a good day I tell myself I am working toward them and my dreams will come true, tomorrow. On a bad day I tell myself that I am letting controllable things get in my way and the reason I do this is because I am not worthy and I do not put a value on my desires and dreams. How am I, and when did I become, 2 people?
“It” is writing this blog. What I know right this moment is that I must let love and talent and self worth prevail. What I haven’t mastered is how to be consistent at making this happen. What I know right this moment is that I can try and that in the words of my friend, Linda Lowen (http://haikuadaydiary.com) with the help of an ancient Chinese proverb, “The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory.” What I haven’t mastered is getting anyone to read what I or “It” writes at all. What I know is I can figure it out. What I haven’t done is, well, undone.
Moral of the story, everyone tries. Everyone has a story. Everyone questions. What I don’t know yet, or what wrong I haven’t righted, is for me to figure out. “It” ought not have a vote. There, I wrote it.
Please comment on your “It”. I would love for you to share. Peace.